One day ...

I cannot wait until the day when he doesn't appear in my thoughts even once.

Time will heal all wounds

That's what people always say.  But how much time.  It's been awhile for me, and still, I still think about it at least once a day.  Just the other night I had a dream and I woke up feeling hurt and betrayed.  I can't help but be hurt and sad everytime I think about it.  I try to block it whenever the thought starts to arise but I can't help it.


When will it end?  When will I be able to totally put this all behind me and get on with my life?  Friends say it's up to me and I'm the one who's not letting myself go.  


I've been good this year and for the last two years.  How come I can't get what I want most for Christmas?  Or maybe, it's just because I don't know what I want.

Merry X'mas!

Merry X'mas!  I doubt there are many, if any, people that actually read this blog, but anyhow, hope you all spend a wonderful holidays with your family and loved ones.


This isn't the first year in recent history where I'm spending the holidays alone.  Actually, not all alone, I still have my family and friends.  It's not all that different.  I'm trying hard not to think what is he doing this holidays?  I bet it wasn't ditching his new gf to go off to Asia like he did with me last year.  But let's not dig up old wounds.


I'm really not sure what to expect.  I'm sure I will make it out in one piece.  Just really wish I had someone to share it with.  Someone for me to buy a gift, and waiting in anticipation to receive mine.  Maybe ... maybe next year this will happen.  Or it never may.  Who knows.

Never again ...

I think I'm definitely healing.  Although he still comes into my mind a lot, it's less frequent nowadays.  I know one day, he will be completely gone from my life.  I miss the person I fell in love with, the person I spent so much time with in the last two years.  But that person's gone.  We've experienced so much together.  But he's gone.  He will never come back, and I don't want to see him ever again.  I hope I never see him again.  It still hurts.  

Lonely

I don't miss "him" per se ... but just kind of sad how things have turned out.  I i knew we could never be friends again, and it was a joke when he said we could, but that aside, it's so sad to lose someone that once mattered so much to you.  I guess I'm more sad about losing someone who used to be important to me and not sad about losing him.

When i think about it, the thing he said about how he wished he never met me ... I wanted the exact same thing, so I can't be mad for the things he said.  Well, actually, I can. Any civilized human being would not behaved that way. But I'm not angry at that.  I just ... feel a sense of loss.

Right now, if you ask me, and if I could, I would take back the time we've been together. It was one of the best times (and worst) times of my life...

but looking back now, none of that was worth it.

At a loss for words

It has been awhile and definitely, it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  I'm not sure if I am even mad anymore.  I think I'm finally on the road to recovery.  There are moments when I think back to the times we were together.  There are still many things that still remind me of him, but I know that person I loved is long gone.  That person doesn't exist in this world anymore.


It's sad things turned out this way but it is for the best.  I am starting to rediscover myself and no longer devote all my time and attention to make sure he is happy.  Looking back, it seems like it was a waste of effort, everything I did went unappreciated.  Instead, I have this person who openly insulted me and hurt me without a second thought.


I really hope I will never have to see him again.  What he does  is his business, I don't want to know any of it.  I'm not at the point where I can wish him all the best and I don't know if I will ever be able to.  All I know is I deserve better.  I deserve someone who appreciates me, who cares about me, and most importantly, who loves me.

Thank you

Thank you for finally giving me a reason to hate you. 
Thank you for wiping the last two and half years of my life clean.
Thank you for letting me see the person that you truly are.
Thank you for making me come to the realization that I truly meant nothing to you.


Thank you.

It all started with a phone call ...

I got a phone call this afternoon, from the last person I would expect a call from.  It was not a pleasant "conversation", if you can even call it that, and it ended up with me hanging up on him.  Then the barrage of text messages started, saying a lot of mean things and basically hurting me.  I shouldn't let it get to me because I don't care about this person and thus, anything he says should have no effect on me.  And for the most part, that's true.


But what really concerns me most right now is I don't know who I can trust anymore.  I thought the people I talked to were friends, people whom I can trust.  And now the things I've said out of spite and anger has gotten back to him, so who did it?

Healing

It's what we all must do after a broken heart.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it, until recent discovery of things that he did.  Now I'm tumbling back into that process.  


I don't want to be angry.   All I really want is to completely have this person and our relationship wiped from my mind.  Be it the happy moments or not.  I just want it all wiped clean.  It has taken my favourite moments in the day, such as before I fall asleep in bed, and when I wake up in bed, into a torture session.  I can't help but think.  That really is the last thing I want to do.


I've come to realize that this has already happened.  It's nothing new.  It's just that I found out about it now, and not before.  So why let something that already happened in the past bother me?  I try ... I try so hard.  


I've read online somewhere that on the road to recovery I should let myself release all my feelings, don't just try to hold it all in and deal with it that way.  But I'm scared.  I'm scared of letting myself go.  I'm scared of feeling vulnerable and hurt.  I know I am suppressing my true feelings, but I'm scared.


Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

Learning a Life Lesson

Life is one long learning lesson.  I think even to the end, you can still learn new things.  After this relationship, I've truly truly learned and understood that what you give will not be what you get.  I never expected an equal return in my "investment", but I never thought I would come out negative.  I'm not talking about materialistic things or even love and effort, I'm talking about the most basic of any relationships: respect.


I am honestly dumbfounded as to how a person can be so selfish, so uncompassionate, and so inconsiderate.  I don't need him to care about me, but at least, at the very least, think about how your actions will affect others.  He did when we first started, so how come he can't show the same respect for me?  I have not done anything to deserve this treatment, whether he meant it intentionally or not.


This is the reason why I am still angry.  

And I thought breaking up was bad ...

It's been 4 months since my last relationship ended.  More accurately, I got dumped because he "needed time for himself, doesn't want to be in a relationship and was not ready to get married anytime soon".  And you all know what happens when a guy says that!  Yes, he starts dating someone a month later, and plans to propose 3 months into the relationship.  Nothing says cliche more than this storyline.


The rational side of me says he didn't cheat on me, people fall in love without planning it, and I simply wasn't the one for him.  Ironic when that's not what he said a week before he broke up with me.  It doesn't matter anymore whether he meant it or not.  But let's not get into the details.  


The irrational side of me says I don't care.  I'm hurting like crazy inside, and I don't need a reason to be mad.  I'm angry, and that's that.  I'll drink myself to a stupor, and smoke until my lungs turn black.  I will do what I want.  I hate him for hurting me.  I hate him for not choosing me.  I just hate him.


But in the end, I'm just wasting my time.  Hating someone takes up a lot of energy.  I haven't felt this physically and emotionally drained in months.  It took me four months to bring myself to the point where I'm "ok".  I don't want to take another four months to get over this.  I don't have that many four months to waste.  But I know there's nothing really to "get over".  He's dead to me.  He's not part of my life, so whether he finds the love of his life or get into a car accident (just for example, don't want to incriminate myself here), it's none of my business.  I shouldn't care.  


If it wasn't only easier said than done.