Healing

It's what we all must do after a broken heart.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it, until recent discovery of things that he did.  Now I'm tumbling back into that process.  


I don't want to be angry.   All I really want is to completely have this person and our relationship wiped from my mind.  Be it the happy moments or not.  I just want it all wiped clean.  It has taken my favourite moments in the day, such as before I fall asleep in bed, and when I wake up in bed, into a torture session.  I can't help but think.  That really is the last thing I want to do.


I've come to realize that this has already happened.  It's nothing new.  It's just that I found out about it now, and not before.  So why let something that already happened in the past bother me?  I try ... I try so hard.  


I've read online somewhere that on the road to recovery I should let myself release all my feelings, don't just try to hold it all in and deal with it that way.  But I'm scared.  I'm scared of letting myself go.  I'm scared of feeling vulnerable and hurt.  I know I am suppressing my true feelings, but I'm scared.


Ignorance is bliss sometimes.

Learning a Life Lesson

Life is one long learning lesson.  I think even to the end, you can still learn new things.  After this relationship, I've truly truly learned and understood that what you give will not be what you get.  I never expected an equal return in my "investment", but I never thought I would come out negative.  I'm not talking about materialistic things or even love and effort, I'm talking about the most basic of any relationships: respect.


I am honestly dumbfounded as to how a person can be so selfish, so uncompassionate, and so inconsiderate.  I don't need him to care about me, but at least, at the very least, think about how your actions will affect others.  He did when we first started, so how come he can't show the same respect for me?  I have not done anything to deserve this treatment, whether he meant it intentionally or not.


This is the reason why I am still angry.  

And I thought breaking up was bad ...

It's been 4 months since my last relationship ended.  More accurately, I got dumped because he "needed time for himself, doesn't want to be in a relationship and was not ready to get married anytime soon".  And you all know what happens when a guy says that!  Yes, he starts dating someone a month later, and plans to propose 3 months into the relationship.  Nothing says cliche more than this storyline.


The rational side of me says he didn't cheat on me, people fall in love without planning it, and I simply wasn't the one for him.  Ironic when that's not what he said a week before he broke up with me.  It doesn't matter anymore whether he meant it or not.  But let's not get into the details.  


The irrational side of me says I don't care.  I'm hurting like crazy inside, and I don't need a reason to be mad.  I'm angry, and that's that.  I'll drink myself to a stupor, and smoke until my lungs turn black.  I will do what I want.  I hate him for hurting me.  I hate him for not choosing me.  I just hate him.


But in the end, I'm just wasting my time.  Hating someone takes up a lot of energy.  I haven't felt this physically and emotionally drained in months.  It took me four months to bring myself to the point where I'm "ok".  I don't want to take another four months to get over this.  I don't have that many four months to waste.  But I know there's nothing really to "get over".  He's dead to me.  He's not part of my life, so whether he finds the love of his life or get into a car accident (just for example, don't want to incriminate myself here), it's none of my business.  I shouldn't care.  


If it wasn't only easier said than done.